Windows, Windows and Words, Words, Words.

Reasons

2006-12-03T04:23:11Z

1. I have no time to write.
2. Anything I have found time to write is going to a friend of mine come Christmas.
3. Finals.

(Love is selfless.)

Spring Semester Schedule

2006-11-15T05:38:51Z

Mondays: History of Jazz 1-1:50, Lectures in Literature 3-4:15

Tuesdays: Religion in Modern America 11-12:15, Poetry Writing 2:30-3:45

Wednesdays: History of Jazz 1-1:50, Lectures in Literature Recitation 4:30-5:45

Thursdays: Religion in Modern America 11-12:15, Poetry Writing 2:30-3:45, Intro. to Pop Culture 6-8:30

Fridays: History of Jazz Recitation 12-12:50

Hell yes.

This would be my sermon.

2006-11-14T04:21:14Z

A teenage girl about 17 had gone to visit some friends one evening
and time passed quickly as each shared their various experiences of the past year.

She ended up staying longer than planned,
and had to walk home alone. She wasn't afraid because it was a small town and she lived only a few blocks away.

As she walked along under the tall elm trees,
Diane asked God to keep her safe from harm and danger.

When she reached the alley, which was a short cut to her house,
she decided to take it.

However, halfway down the alley she noticed a man
standing at the end as though he were waiting for her.

She became uneasy and began to pray,
asking for God's protection.

Instantly a comforting feeling of quietness
and security wrapped round her,
she felt as though someone was walking with her.

When she reached the end of the alley,
she walked right past the man and arrived home safely.

The following day, she read in the newspaper that
a young girl had been raped in the same alley just
twenty minutes after she had been there.

Feeling overwhelmed by this tragedy and
the fact that it could have been her, she began to weep.

Thanking the Lord for her safety and to help this young woman,
she decided to go to the police station.

She felt she could recognize the man,
so she told them her story.

The police asked her if she would be willing to look at a lineup
to see if she could identify him.

She agreed and immediately pointed out the man
she had seen in the alley the night before.

When the man was told he had been identified,
he immediately broke down and confessed.

The officer thanked Diane for her bravery and
asked if there was anything they could do for her.

She asked if they would ask the man one question.

Diane was curious as to why he had not attacked her.

When the policeman asked him, he answered,
"Because she wasn't alone. She had two tall men walking on either side of her."

Amazingly, whether you believe or not, you're never alone.
Did you know that 98% of teenagers will not stand up for God?

PS: God is always there in your heart and loves you no matter what.....and if you stand up for him he will stand up for you.

This is not something I wrote. This is one of those chain e-mails that are supposed to make you think. I almost replied to the sender who is a friend of mine, but I realized it was not my place to do that.

But before I say anything...

This happens to be my LiveJournal and is definitely my place to say anything I want. If I offend you, simply stop reading. No one is making you do anything.

I also want it known that I understand that Christianity is an extremely generic term used to describe a very large group of people that do not always share similar beliefs. For me to think otherwise would be like saying that all Muslims want to send their kids into our malls with bombs in their lunchboxes. No, George Bush, you lose.

If you're pissed off past this point, it's your own fault.

This e-mail makes me sick when I think about it. The Lord Jesus is not going to manifest himself beside you because you're stupid enough to walk through a dark alley alone, Diane. Get some pepper spray.

(I only said pepper spray because it sounds better. In actuality, that's also stupid. So don't go and get all bold and walk anywhere you please by yourself at night because you have a teeny can of mace on your keychain. Think about it--some dude is coming at you with a gun and you mace him. Bad idea. He's just going to get pissed off and fire at random and you're probably going to get shot. You don't need eyes to fire a gun, just to aim. Instead, use a knife and stab the motherfucker in the wrist of his trigger hand and run like hell.)

I just get really upset with people who use their religion as an excuse to disregard reality. For example:

Cancer happens. It happens to good people and it happens to bad people. I'm close to people who had/have cancer and who have survived, died, and are still fighting it. I also have a lot of friends whose lives have been affected by cancer.

For me, cancer was the last major deciding factor in my decision to become nonreligious, preceded by suicide. But that's just me. From my religious friends in response to a situation involving cancer, I've heard things like:

1. "I don't know why God is doing this to me. I pray for the strength to understand."
2. "If I pray to God every night ans I ask everyone to pray for me, then the cancer will go away."
3. "God gave her cancer because she led a sinful life and He is punishing her. I will pray for her forgiveness."

1. This doesn't bother me one bit. This person's prayer was about a personal connection to her religion and that is a beautiful thing. Sometimes I wish I was able to have that.
2. This frightens me a lot. I know a lot of people who say things like this. I understand why, though. I did it myself once when I was still struggling to find out what I believe. I was in middle school and my little brother had to get a CT scan for the intense and frequent migraines he was having. I was terrified because my aunt had a brain tumor and was slowly dying and she was only 38. I was in the basement of my house when they left and I immediately ran upstairs to my dresser and dug up the golden crucifix necklace my grandma had given me at my First Holy Communion. (Did I mention I was raised Catholic?) I remember whispering something like, "Please God if you let my brother be okay then I promise I'll believe in you and I'll never do anything bad ever again." I falsely ran towards something I didn't believe in at a desperate attempt to make myself feel better. I did feel better and my brother was fine. It had nothing to do with the last minute bargain I tried to make.
3. This last one blows my mind. This person is not interpreting their god, they're pretending to be their god by passing this sort of judgement. Go ahead, tell a dying person it's their fault that God is mad and that your righteous prayers will save them, that's thoughtful.

Point being, I don't hate religion. I just hate when people abuse it.

ahh_meel_yah @ 2006-11-12T22:16:00

2006-11-13T03:16:16Z

I went to Philadelphia for the weekend and now my entire body hurts. But I don't feel like talking about it:

A LONG (INCOMPLETE) LIST OF THINGS I CLAIMED TO HATE BUT REALLY DIDN'T:

1. New Found Glory's new album
2. Mariah Carey
3. Adam Lazarra/Taking Back Sunday
4. the color brown
5. brown hair
6. The Rolling Stones
7. racerback tanktops
8. hot dogs
9. Taylor
10. online journals, haha

THINGS I GAVE A CHANCE FOR THREE SECONDS AND STILL HATED:

1. Norma Jean
2. Dane Cook
3. Laguna Beach
4. Business Calculus
5. Ugz
6. Avril Lavigne
7. Underoath
8. Socks

THINGS I WILL ALWAYS HATE:

1. Metallica
2. Pete Wentz/Fall Out Boy
3. Republican anything

Fuck You, Little Princess, Who the Hell Do You Think You Are?

2006-11-08T00:51:52Z

Sometimes I think I don't let myself write poetically because I'm scared.

But now I just think I'm lazy.

Too many things are still the same and I need change, I'm restless and Philadelphia is visiting, not running away. I want to go somewhere warm and all I want to do there is breathe. I don't want to answer to anyone. I want simplicity everywhere else so I can deal with my own complications. I need a hotel room with a balcony and a really, really good show. I want to wear a dress for no reason.

(I would only do it for the excuse to listen to your heartbeat afterwards. Don't let me do it.)

ahh_meel_yah @ 2006-11-06T01:21:00

2006-11-06T06:21:28Z

My love is fierce. There's no other word for it.

I don't mean R&B Ballad love. I mean friendship love.

Girl-wise, there are six that I really, really love.

Here are some random groups of words:

Boobs. Ice cream. Purple. Puke. Baldness. A Cursed Shirt. Snot on my shoulder. Freckles. Cleveland. The Issue. Pedophilia. Charity. The Serpent. Respect. The Anthony Green Game. Bert McCracken. Toaster. Awkward Outfits. Fancy Fridays. Vince's Ringtone. Tammy. The Most Exclusive Club. Sex Tents. Riptide Rush. Heart-Shaped Hot Tubs. Bob's Your Uncle. We're the Beatles.

Boobs. Bitches Ain't Shit. Laffy Taffy. Thug Life. Elephantitis Jewelery Box. Spleens. Jaundice. New Years Orange Juice. Saw. Dee Snyder. Captain Howdy. Ay Baby You Eight? Rice. Bloody Fingers. Ska. Aruba. Ghetto Fabulous. Liek. Screaming Contests. Tall. Twins. The Wizard of Oz. Drunk Crying. Bros Before Hos.

Boobs. Latin. Pottery. Friendship Bracelets. Haircuts. Pool Tables. Birthmarks. Ice Skating. Fuck to the Devil. Spice Girls Barbie Dolls. Brass Instruments. Marching Band. Burping. Thumbprint Cookies. Stealing Taylor. JuJuBes. Windowsills. Peeing Behind a Shed. My Other Mom. Appreciation for the word "Cunt." Impulse Walks. Jesus Camp. Sugarcult. Virginity.

Boobs. Eat N Park. Secret Parties. The Pleasure Bar. Penguins. Justified/Stripped. MxPx. Concussions. My First Primantis. My First Club Laga Show. My First Hangover. Braces. Home Videos. Cher. Halloween. Mardi Gras. Degrassi. Lesbian Tuesdays. Skateboarding. Kicking Only Fights. Camping Trips. One-Footed Geese. Cabbage. Bruno's Pizza. Sidewalk Chalk. Fievel Goes West. Witches. Painting. Yellow Backpacks.

Boobs. Dave. David LaChapelle. New York City. 353 Oakland Aveunue. "Are You Gay? Because Your Girlfriend Looks Like a Dude." Lola. Octopus. Poetry. David Hasselhoff. Holy fuck, Four Different Daves, look. Quaker Steak and Lube Boneless Wing Salads. Country Music. Pen Names. Lunch Time. Gay Men. Rent. Texas Chainsaw Massacre. Chapstick. Rocky Horror.

Boobs. Dancing. Corn Dogs. Accents. "Somehow they just know." Painting. Hip Hop. "Beee." My name with two i's. Public Transportation. Shirley Temples. Paris Hilton. Monica. "Your Aunt." "Uncle" Bill. Dad Voices. Speed Dating. Costumes. Car Wrecks. KY Jelly. Night Life. Bacon. Frat Parties. PF Chang's. "I Love College."

Further Word Association:

Comfort: The Doorknob to my Bedroom. Mint. Green Acorns. Zucchini Bread. Band-Aids. Snuggle Fabric Softener. I Love Lucy. Hotel Rooms. Punderson Manor. Pianos. Infomercials.

Happiness: The Beach Boys. Sprinklers. Singing. Kumquat. Porcupine Puffer Fish. Raffi. The Geico Gecko.

Sadness: Donuts. My Mom's Perfume. Disney World. Chocolate Lollipop Bouquets. SnowDogs. Pet Stores. Bath Oil Beads.

Love: Mail. Toothbrushes. Pugs. Scars. Tomato Soup. Snot. The Smell of Sleep. Being Warm. Winter. Film.

Excuses: Sex. Drugs. Holidays. School. Plastic Surgery. Marriage.

Fascintaion: The Cure. David Bowie. Aquariums. Space.

Fear: Closets. Making Love. Rape. Distraction.

Albums That Are Necessary to My Life:
-Bleed American, Jimmy Eat World
-International Superhits, Green Day
-All Killer No Filler, Sum 41
-Harvest Moon, Neil Young
-The Very Best of Cher, Cher
-Aida, The Original Broadway Cast
-Start Static, Sugarcult

Questions I Want Answered:
-How come I was never into Hanson?
-How did I get vibrato in my voice?
-Why am I really bad at reading aloud?
-How did I get so damn good at hula-hooping?
-Why did I choose the left side of your bed?
-How much of my writing skills did a learn from school and how much did I learn from reading on my own?
-How the hell does Western Wear by Georgia stay open in a place like Allison Park?
-What the hell is the point of NASCAR?
-...or welfare?
-...or Dane Cook?

Surprisingly, I have nothing else to say exact that I tell really good stories on the spot. If you're still reading this, you're quite the trooper.

Halloween lasts forever in college.

2006-11-01T04:55:11Z

It started last Thursday and ended today. So I guess I'll start with Thursday and end today. Good deal.

10/26- I really wanted to be William Wallace for Halloween, only female and hotter, but I didn't have the time/patience to go piece together a costume. Alley and I felt left out so we hopped on a bus to the Strip and went and got slutty costumes from a bag:

My costume was an excuse to steal a ton of Reeses Cups from this kid's room on the 9th floor and put them in my freezer.

10/27- I didn't do much Halloweening at all, in fact I went home for the night. I got really stressed out about school and stuff and ate a lot of candy at work, does that count?

10/28- I shot my movie for Filmmakers and Alley and I rushed back to school to get ready to go out. I did all of my Wonder Woman makeup but I had street clothes on so Stef and I could go to Transition's last show ever. Did you see that? I said Last. Show. Ever. I had to hold her hand the whole time because it was sad. And it's barely even about them...there is just so much history with my own life and that band. So many shows. So much drama. So much fun.

Fuck, time to grow up.

We said goodbye and we went back to Stef's apartment where there were like 10 other people getting into costumes. In the end, ther were three of us not fucked up on something before we headed back to Oakland for a few parties. I had to cut the evening short with Stef because I had to stay in Oakland for the night, but it was great to see her and Kelly and everyone and it was obvious how much we missed each other. Me disapproving of her boyfriend might have something to do with the distance I think.

I met up with some Oakland friends and we went to an underage bar and we drank about 15 toasts in memory of Transition, saying "Dreams Will Never Die." ahahahaha. hahaha. I danced like a ho, it was fun. Then I had had enough so I went upstairs to go to bed.

Little did I know that I wouldn't be sleeping until 5 am.

There was other bullshit contributing to this that doesn't matter. I was drunk. I was angry. I started yelling at A Friend of Mine about how much he sucks for deciding he can only talk to me when he needs me but that my needs don't matter. I still believe that, only my timing was way off for telling him. That should've come out of my mouth probably a year ago, maybe even more. In response, he sent a picture to my phone. I never saw what the picture was of because my phone only takes pictures, it doesn't send or recieve because I'm not paying for that anymore. But...

sending pictures to your friends is normal, right? I got a decent amount that night because everyone likes to show off their costumes. Understandable. But the fact that I couldn't see this one picture really bothered me. I had a horrible feeling about it. And when I couldn't get ahold of my friend to see if he was alright, I basically panicked. I called another friend and told him what I thought, and I could tell he thought I was overreacting and just way too drunk or something. I ended up staying awake until 5 am watching The Munsters until I passed out.

10/29- By the time I woke up I felt a lot better about the night before. There probably wasn't anything to worry about. My mom came and got me and we went to the Psychic Festival at the Open Mind Bookstore in Sewickley. I had two separate card readings in which I was told a lot about that Friend of Mine, another secret Friend of Mine, my family, my future, and myself. I didn't buy into much of it at all but it was still a neat experience.

I spent the rest of the evening relaxing, cleaning, and watching the first season of Weeds. Everything was fine until I spoke to that Friend of Mine. He had spent Saturday night in the hosptial. He's going to be okay, but how did I know that from the East Coast? I'm not supposed to know things like that, especially about people I haven't talked to in months. Maybe I do believe that you can be that connected to certain people if you pay attention.

10/30- I spent a greater portion of the day plotting to demolish Pittsburgh Filmmakers for vengence. Luckily I'm surrounded by good people and that wasn't necessary. What realy matters is what happened that night:

Rocky Horror Picture Show.

I went as the female version of Rocky. I was more-than-half-naked and wore about three pounds of makeup:

I got humped by strangers onstage and fucked about 76 virgins. If you're frightened, you obviously have never been to a live performance of Rocky Horror and you shouldn't worry too much about it.

10/31- Happy Halloween. I don't have much to say about today. Except for I want to march down to South Carolina and give Alley's dad a piece of my mind. I'm sure I'm not alone in saying that, either.

ahh_meel_yah @ 2006-10-28T00:01:00

2006-10-28T05:17:47Z

"For me you're only a little boy just like a hundred thousand other little boys. And i have no need of you. And you have no need of me, either. For you I'm only a fox like a hundred thousand other foxes. But if you tame me, we'll need each other. You'll be the only boy in the world for me. I'll be the only fox in the world for you..."

The Little Prince
by Antoine de Saint-Exupéry

( I stole that from Rachel because these are words put into our hands by the most beautiful and admirable woman we know. )

---

Do you know how close you still feel even though you're so far away? I've felt like you've been all over me since last December and probably even before that. But literally, all over me then, and now still--all. over. me. I thought I showered you off but you're still here and I play right into it. You're so much weight. Sometimes it's like a feather down quilt on a cold night, and other times it's Gulliver's Travels. All I have is the occasional 3 am phone call and rope marks over our scars.

And I hate how many poems are about you or my father.

---

It's disturbing to feel like a guest in your own bedroom. My breathing is even shallow here.

--

The only time I've ever truly listened to The Recieving End of Sirens is when I've been puking my guts out from Stef's passenger seat.

--

If I'm named after a boat should I be terrified of icebergs?

--

I used to hate that you've seen what I look like without clothes on. You have since been replaced. Twice.

--

I lied a lot just now.

--

It needs to be November 21st already because I need Brand New's album so I have somewhere to channel all of my teenage angst. Funny, but not because that's probably true.

--

So I married Phil on the internet and this is what he had to say:
cLYde818713: oh, amy.
cLYde818713: i don't recall a ceremony.
radio radieux: you were drunk
cLYde818713: nuh uhh
cLYde818713: i've drank a lot lately. but i have yet to be drunk!
radio radieux: I know you brag about it all the time to me
radio radieux: because I drink like one thing and I die
cLYde818713: yeah. i've experienced that.
cLYde818713: but i also weigh 210 pounds.
radio radieux: it's because I'm an Indian
cLYde818713: but aaaanyway
radio radieux: you have boobs

--

Only I really am Native American. Cherokee, but you wouldn't know it because I'm so damn white. And apparently Native Americans are biologically bad at consuming alcohol. Which brings me to my last and final point...

---

I got drunk at an art studio off of cactus juice on Saturday and I knocked over a giant French antique door that was set into a found art piece because I was looking for the bathroom. I'm so cultured and classy.

ahh_meel_yah @ 2006-10-25T15:10:00

2006-10-25T19:44:44Z

+ There's a trend in the people I meet: you're either with me or against me. Against me? Doubt I care.

+ I'm finally old enough to vote and I'm all nervous about it...and then like 6 people have pointed out that it has to be easy because old people do it. I need a voting chaperone...

+ and a Live-In Nurse.

+ I've gotten way too good at sarcasm/being offensive. Sorry?

+ No actually, I mean it. Sorry.

+ Everybody likes gore even if it makes you puke or freak out. It's something you can't look away from.

+ I think it's funny when people I just meet try to talk to me about the people they've heard I dislike/dislike me. Like that means I'll automatically like you because we hate the same people because that's my favorite thing to have in common with someone else...

+ it even bothers me when my good friends do it and I make sure they know that.

+ I'm not looking to be with him. I'm not looking for someone to take my mind off of him. I'm looking for someone who can make me care like I care about him.

+ I love getting things in the mail. TWA-1207-1 3990 Forbes Avenue Pittsburgh, PA 15213. Send me nice things.

+ I miss my brother.

+ I have a tracker on this journal and I can tell exactly who reads it. I'm probably going to take it off because it creeps me out.

THIS IS A PHOTO SERIES!!!

2006-10-24T22:19:11Z

Marietta + Pittsburgh = EXPLOSION.

Proof:

Meg and I make nice faces. The girl on my right was really nice but I don't remember her name unfortunately. Maybe it was Jane. Or Lauren. I have no idea who that dude is or why he's on my camera.

Elicia is in this one instead of the Mystery Boy.

There's Greg.

Logan totally likes to kiss dudes.

Preston loves me. No idea who those other people are at all either.

Drunken recall is not one of my skills.

ahh_meel_yah @ 2006-10-23T22:13:00

2006-10-24T03:08:21Z

from a series Alley did on 5x7 canvases.

from a walk in the park.

Thank God for Good News, Thank Good for God News.

2006-10-17T03:06:20Z

Marietta, Ohio for the weekend. Autumn from a bus window.

I needed everything about that.

I needed to laugh and make an ass out of myself with Meg. I needed to pay attention to the smalltown charm and refer to Marietta College's soccer team in terms of "we" and "us." I needed to drink an entire bottle of five-dollar wine and yell "who the fuck are you?" at pretentious wannabe rockstars. I needed to sit next to a cat named after a naughty piercing and watch Weeds for six hours in my bra in front of a fake fire.

The complications in my life are probably going to escalate between now and probably January unless I find something stable soon. I know this because I've fallen into this pattern every year since age thirteen.

As much as I love constantly being busy, it was great to be able to relax for a while.

I don't really get to just sit and listen to music much anymore and driving through Pennsylvania reminded me why I love this state so much. At school I feel like I hide away in my room sometimes just to avoid all of the things around me that distract me. My "alone time" has ironically become an online journal that the public can see.

Other times I just skip class to go see several deaths by chainsaw at Southside Works like I did last night.

I saw Rachel.
The Bouncing Souls could probably control my life if they wanted.
Billy's coming home.
Emma's coming home.
Yes, yes, yes.

Excuses, Excuses.

2006-10-13T03:52:24Z

(It's something I do only in my sleep.)

Last week I scraped my knee and bloodied three of my knuckles on my wall. Last night I tossed and turned and threw off all of the covers and even snored and drooled a bit. Ew. I think I'm turning into a wolverine.

That is the most complex thought I've managed to have all day. Here are the others:

1. I had to buy two items at Eckerd and I only had $8.47. The total was $8.44. I am awesome.
2. Someone did something horrible to the two petunias growing out the doorway of the exercise room because they aren't there anymore.
3. I think I've probably spent at least $40 in various wishing wells since the age of 15 on the same exact wish.
4. I can still remember way more French than Spanish even though I haven't studied it in three years.
5. I still want that damn cannibal movie from Dutch.
6. I'm never cutting my hair ever again no matter what.
7. Bob Dylan's an asshole. I'm okay with it. "If you needed my autograph, I would give it to you, but you don't."
8. I need to look up diabetic cookie recipes on the internet for my cab driver hero, Keith.
9. I miss Patrick Tracy terribly.
10. When will I be able to see the effects of the Northern Lights from Pittsburgh?

I'm going to go pack for Marietta.

Post Script.

2006-10-11T06:43:54Z

"The best and most beautiful things in the world cannot be seen or even touched. They must be felt with the heart."

-Yeah, Helen Keller would be the one to say that.

I also cracked up while watching "True Life: I Have Tourettes" on MTV today.

I'm going to hell.

Please Don't Eat the Fruity's

2006-10-10T05:53:22Z

Shiny Balls.

I had the worst blind date ever without it being a date because no way I would ever date this guy. Maybe like the worst blind hangout ever. It ended with me lying about being in an elevator and then just hanging up the phone. I'm not going to say who it was though because that's just mean and I've already been enough of a bitch about this when retelling the story to the girls on my floor.

The wall in our lounge went from saying FOXY HUB! to I FUX BOY! (with the H turned sideways to make the I) and I'm pissed because I had nothing to do with it.

If you can't tell by reading my posts or looking at my pictures, I haven't felt like being very serious lately. I'm avoiding some majoring life examining that I should probably really do. Whoops.

Anyways...

Will Smith just taught me a valuable lesson on Fresh Prince: fat chicks need love too.

Things I really like especially a lot today:
Alley
Claymation
Paint Markers
Tomato Soup at Hand
Pizza Rolls
Greg's Voicemails
Sweaters
The Beach Boys

A spider bit my neck in my sleep last night. And I ate spiders in these grapes Stef got me yesterday.
I'm not sure if either of those things are true.

ahh_meel_yah @ 2006-10-09T14:07:00

2006-10-09T18:20:00Z

"I think you're fucking stupid. I think you're fucking retarded because you have a person in your life who cares about you tremendously and always has and will do anything for you and it has nothing to do with how you look and you don't realize it."

At first I thought, wow, what bad grammar.

And then I thought, finally, someone strong enough to put me in my place. Thank you.

(The Waterfront, Summer 2005)

He would kick my ass if he knew I am showing people a picture of him smiling. Haha.

BOOGERS.

2006-10-09T05:18:15Z

EVERYBODY IN THIS PICTURE SUCKS AT NOT BEING ADORABLE:

UPDATE!

2006-10-09T04:15:27Z

Hey kids!!!!! Today we finished mixing our album, and let me tell you, it sounds amazing. I'm talking number one in the world.

Mark my words, when it's released later this month, you guys are going to be like, "wow, "Are You Girls Having Fun?" by Jennae and the Socialites is the greatest thing I've ever heard, hands down."

Here is a complete list of the songs featured on AYGHF? You guys will be pleased to see some old favorites as well as some new tracks I'm sure you'll love too:

-Carla Makes the Best Cookies Ever
-Mike Sanders, My One and Only
-My Heart is on the Wall of Shame
-I Love Cheese-Me solo
-I Love Buffalo (Ranch Doritos)-Stef solo
-I Love Beer-Jennae solo
-Where Did Brandon's Boyfriend Go? (featuring Paula Cole)
-Dead Sexy Dale
-Employee of the Day: Ode to Keenan
-Tubby Wiener

and two tracks TBA!!! Mystery Tracks!!!!

And because the fans means so much to me, and to all of us, I'm going to make a list of everyone I'm thanking in the liner notes so you can all let me know if I leave anybody out, okay?

Amy thanks:
Cheese and Jesus.

LET ME KNOW!!

New songs up on myspace now! Go check it out, and if you're new to our site and you like what you hear, you might want to check out my side project, SUKK & BLO. It's a bit more experimental and kind of a raw sound, kind of like bluegrass meets Prince who ass rapes the Power Rangers inside a snowglobe full of Clorox bleach. You know, just like Fall Out Boy. Thanks! <333

Oh, and if you see me around at a show, please don't be afraid to come say hi or ask to take a picture or fondle my breasts. I love you all! <33333

OH YEAH!! and check out my other other side project--Gay Black Ass with the baddest bitch around, E. Spik. I mixed up some siqqq beeaaatzz for her lyrical genius, and our chart-topping hit, Grape Juice Brotha, What? featuring Timbland is going to be a BONUS TRACK on AYGHF? just because we love you that much!!!!!!! Thanks again!!!!

THE TIME HAS COME.

2006-10-06T03:58:15Z

THE (INCOMPLETE) LIST OF DISNEY CHANNEL ORIGINAL MOVIES AKA D-COMS (that I have seen):

**** awesome
***alright
**kinda gay
*boo

BRINK! WITH ERIC VON DETTEN ****
ZENON: GIRL OF THE 21ST CENTURY ****
ZENON: THE ZEQUEL ****
ZENON: Z3 ALL WITH KIRSTEN STORMS ****
HORSE SENSE ***
JUMPING SHIP BOTH WITH ANDY AND JOEY LAWRENCE **
SMART HOUSE ****
LUCK O' THE IRISH BOTH WITH RYAN MERRIMAN ****
UNDER WRAPS **
HALLOWEENTOWN *** JUST BECAUSE OF DEBBIE REYNOLDS
MOTOCROSSED ****
CADET KELLY WITH HIL DUFF AND THAT WEIRD CHICK FROM EVEN STEVENS ***
THIRTEENTH YEAR ***
PHANTOM OF THE MEGAPLEX **
HIGH SCHOOL MUSICAL ***
CHEETAH GIRLS ****
CHEETAH GIRLS 2 BOTH WITH MY GIRLS 3LW AND THAT'S SO RAVEN ***
GO FIGURE **
THE ULTIMATE GIFT....I DON'T KNOW IT WAS AN X MAS MOVIE ABOUT A SNOW MACHINE AND A GRUMPY SANTA *
TWITCHES WITH THE MOWRY SISTERS **
DON'T LOOK UNDER THE BED ****
JOHNNY TSUNAMI **
THE OTHER ME WITH ANDY LAWRENCE **
H-E DOUBLE HOCKEY STICKS WITH MATT LAWRENCE AND WILL FRIEDEL....NOT A TRUE D-COM.

OKAY NOW I AM GOING TO CHEAT AND LOOK UP ALL THE ONES I FORGOT:
THE COLOR OF FRIENDSHIP **
DOUBLE TEAMED....AHAHA WHAT A GREAT NAME. **
THE EVEN STEVENS MOVIE *
JETT JACKSON THE MOVIE. OH MY GOD HOW COULD I FORGET JETT JACKSON MY BROTHA. ****
QUINTS!!!!! FIVE!!!!! ****
RIP GIRLS OOOOMGGGZZ GIRL SURFURZ. I don't really talk like that. ***
OH JESUS I AM SO MAD I FORGOT STEPSISTER FROM PLANET WEIRD ****
TRU CONFESSIONS. HAHA GAY. *
UP, UP AND AWAY! **

I love what I choose to spend time doing.

sweet things from D-COMS:

ZENON: SUPER NOVA GIRL. THE GALAXY IS OURS.
BRINK: SOUL SKATERS. TEAM X BLADES. TEAM PUP N SUDS. NUNYA, NUNYA BUSINESS.
STEPSISTER FROM PLANET WEIRD: I FEAR THE WIND
DON'T LOOK UNDER THE BED: THE BOOGEYMAN IS BLACK
UNDER WRAPS: HEY COOL A MUMMY
LUCK OF THE IRISH: I AM THE SAINT OF THE STEP. KILTS.
SMART HOUSE: 5IVE-SLAM DUNK THE FUNK

that's all I got.

This is a tribute to Patrick Tracy, probably the only human who loves D-COMs more than me.

ahh_meel_yah @ 2006-10-04T14:40:00

2006-10-04T18:50:00Z

WHO THE FUCK TALKS LIKE THAT ABOUT SOMEONE WHO DIED?

KEEP YOUR FUCKING MOUTH SHUT YOU DUMB CUNT.

WHEN YOU DIE I'M GOING TO FIND WHERE YOU'RE BURIED AND DUMP ROTTEN FUCKING FISH HEADS ALL OVER YOUR GRAVE.

EVEN IF YOU DO READ THIS, YOU'RE PROBABLY TOO IGNORANT TO RECOGNIZE THAT YOU SHOULD BE ASHAMED.

AT LEAST YOU KNOW EXACTLY WHO YOU ARE.

Very few things piss me off like this. Don't upset anyone I love.

Your mom.

2006-10-04T16:11:33Z

I'm going to be upset if Dutch gave me a blank DVD by mistake instead of a copy of that cannibal movie I need to, need to see.

I have nothing all that emo to write about today.

I just wrote some 1,300 words about my father for Rock and Roll Journalism in the form of an autobiographical essay. That has me pretty much drained.

I'm going to eat a caramel apple every fucking day because I can. How the hell am I supposed to go veg again with a damn meal plan?

No more TV watching for me anymore. It just makes me mad.

THEY ARE MAKING ANOTHER CUTESY PENGUIN MOVIE. THE WORLD DOES NOT NEED ANOTHER PENGUIN MOVIE. NO ONE GO SEE HAPPY FEET OVER THE AGE OF TEN.

I bet I would really like Zathura if only I could get over my prejudice of Jumanji being the best movie ever. Don't tell anyone.

I ruined my roommate's life the other day by accident. She got a nice e-mail about how a mama panda birthed a litter of 16 baby pandas in China. I told her that the mom was probably going to die and that the babies would all be mutants because it's obvious that the mama panda was injected with some kind of unsafe and unethical multiple birth hormone because pandas don't give birth to litters which is why they are almost extinct. So from now on instead of having like three pandas we are going to have 400 angry deformed mutant pandas that wil spread disease and then we'll send over the National Guard to extinguish their population anyways.

I'm awful.

I would just like to point out that absoultely everything you are you stole from me and Matt Shelton, ex singer of Letter Kills. Maybe a little Bon Jovi, too, but you go right ahead and claim that. ahahahaha.

Things I find exciting:

KT Tunstall tonight.
Marietta next weekend.
Stockdale's CD release show.
Green Beans.
Getting a pedicure today
and my hair did tomorrow.
Cashews.
Being able to breathe through both of my nostrils.
Fall.
Halloween.
Texas Chainsaw Massacre: The Beginning which looks sweet.
Saw III which looks gory AKA sweet.
The Grudge II which looks just as dumb as the first one.
Thanksgiving because I should really be like 400 pounds.
Philadelphia for Imogen Heap.
Grehound buses.
Phil, Rachel, and Mary.
Rice.
Mini skirts.
Playing my favorite game in the entire world with Stef: Guess what Anthony Green is Doing Right this Second.
Stef.
Club Zoo with Emma soon. ahahaha.
I'm not wearing a bra.
Posting really gay pictures of myself on the internet and asking people to respond:

Take this seriously.

2006-09-27T01:45:45Z

You're gone and I can breathe a bit easier.

You were about four feet away from me a few days ago. I can't even stand it when we're in the same state let alone the same room. I nap instead of sleep through the night because I'm sick of having dreams about you or dreams that deperately want to be about you. I don't want to look at myself in a mirror because all I notice is you all over me.

You know the sound of a breath before a kiss? That belongs to you.
Lying next to you I'd fall into myself. That belongs to you.

You're the only person who has ever heard me whisper secrets.

With that being said, I can't forget you. I want to, but I would have to do insane things like shave my head and puncture my own ear drums and sell away everything that belongs to me. Even with that, I would still be left with my body.

So you see, it's impossible to wrench you out of my life. I happen to like my hair and my ear drums and all of my clothes and books and electronic devices.

We haven't talked, but I still know you. I understand this. I shouldn't, but I have to.
I'm never patient or passive except with you.

I hope you find what you're looking for. I hope you do what you do because it's satisfying as opposed to distracting. I hope that no matter where you go, you're surrounded by people who truly love you. People who love you despite your flaws, especially for your flaws like I do. I hope you know I'm right here if you need me or if you're ever scared.

I don't have a word to say to you. You already know. I just want to sit next to you and watch Family Guy. Fuck.

I want someone else to know what I mean when I talk about the sky in relation to sharpie markers and wet tissues and hold that to great importance.

Josalyn is actually spelled Jocelyn.

2006-09-21T01:19:55Z

Last night on the balcony, there was this boy who I thought was falling onto the couch but he really wasn't. We talked about it for three seconds and then I asked, "who are you?" He got all flustered and said something like, "oh...umm..I'm sorry, I'm not really anyone, I'm just friends with that guy...I'm not in a band or anything..."
By asking "who are you?" I had meant to ask, "what's your name?"
I'm always accidentally a bitch. His name is Jordan.

This is just a recent occurence of me coming off as being a completely intimidating, judgemental person. I'm never reserved, I'm usually just completely out of it or distracted when this happens.

The other day at Primanti's Stef and I had ordered to go and we were waiting for our sandwiches when I decided to call Dan and see if he wanted something too. He did, but they were busy when they handed us our order so I kind of just stood there awkwardly and I waited until I caught someone's eye. When the one girl noticed I was still there, I said something like, "I actually need to place another order, I'm not just standing here." I didn't even realize how bitchy that sounds until after I blurted it out, but all I was trying to do was explain why I was still blocking their cash register and they could take as much time as they needed.

This really cute girl stopped me on the stairs today and introduced herself. Her name is Ashley and she lives in Tower A on the 15th floor. She said she's seen me at shows a lot and she wanted to say hi.
It was before noon, and I didn't fall asleep until 7 am this morning. I must've looked completely weirded out by her and all "who the fuck do you think you are trying to talk to me. I'm so great." But I listened to everything she had to say and it was nice to meet her, and I didn't mean to come off like that. I hope I didn't come off like that. I'm going to write her a love note and take it up to the 15th floor to make sure I didn't come off like that, because I felt like I did.

I either need more sleep or some public speaking lessons.

The things I have said previously are things that actually concern me about myself. I hate when I do that.

This next part is something I think is hilarious that was brought to my attention by Taylor late last night.

So, either Blockbuster has spies or way too many strangers read my live journal.

Because some girl I don't know said something to him that was like "so I heard you went to Blockbuster and rented a movie to watch with Amy."
Brace yourselves, but yes, it's true. Taylor and I watched a movie together. I know it's horribly scandalous, but I even said something about it in a previous post.
Only....just now I went back and re-read that post, and it says nothing about where we happened to go to rent a movie, but she knew the exact night and the location of the Blockbuster we were at.
I still have absolutely no idea who this girl is, nor do I care to know.
Weird. Creepy. Really, really funny considering Taylor and I never dated and are not currently dating.
We're just BFFs. So are our moms. Puke.
This escalates into this realization, though: "Amy, if you and I are ever on speaking terms with each other, any time I talk to any female ever they know exactly who you are and they hate you and I have to explain you to them."
FACT: Taylor has never cheated on any of his girlfriends with me.
FACT: Every girlfriend he has ever had has accused him of cheating. With me.

I think there are maybe like 8 people in my daily life who even know I have a live journal.
Shame on you, Stranger Girls.
If anyone needs me, I'm watching Strike Anywhere.

Weird things about me.

2006-09-19T06:58:31Z

Today I was in my films class and under my keyboard was a piece of a tip that had snapped off someone's pencil.
When I moved the keyboard to put down my notebook it rolled with it and made pencil lines all over my white desk.
I wanted to wipe it off but I would've had to use spit to do it.
And I couldn't decide what bothered me more, leaving the lines there or putting my germs on the table.

When I'm drunk I share my chapstick with strangers and then I remember the next day and I have to throw it away and buy a new one.

In the middle of typing this I made myself go to the bathroom to fill a mug up with water because I love my bonsai tree but I put off watering it out of sheer laziness.

When Pat and I went to Sadie Hawkins last year he gave me a Tide Pen and I carry it in my purse all the time because I spill everything.

I did something horrible the other night and I think I have finally justified it in my mind enough to not feel guilty about it. I've started to embrace my problem though, and now I admit it. I am a homewrecker. I don't know how or why, and I'm sorry. It's probably a combination of me not thinking highly of crushes or unhealthy relationships, me needing to get what I can't have, and just being in the wrong place at the wrong time. The weird thing is, there has been only once instance where I intiated this, and I have my reasons for that one time. Otherwise, I am prone to it, or it's been initatiated by a Good Ol' Cheating Boyfriend of the Suburbs. I have no respect for the female code because I hate girls. That doesn't mean I'd ever do anything like that to anyone I love. I would never be able to hurt someone I love like that if it was something that was extremely important to them.

Time out.

You...if you are reading this...I want to tell you something in reference to the lengthy paragraph above. You said you never understood why, and you're probably thinking that I'm lying by saying I couldn't hurt anyone I loved like that. But the truth is, I didn't love you. I didn't respect you, I didn't trust you. I'm not saying that to be mean, I'm saying that as an admission of defeat. I wanted to love you and respect you and trust you, but I couldn't. We hurt each other too much over years and in the end it was all fake and for appearances. Come on, you knew that. I blame both of us for different reasons. I've been horrible to you many times before that night, and you were horrible to me that night and other nights as well. Oh, and you gave me plenty of payback that I deserved. But even now I love talking to you and I miss hanging out with you, but it was fake and I'm sorry. That's what I am really sorry about.

But short of that instance, and the one the other night partially, I find it amusing. Like when conversations in my absence go something like this:

Stef: "So Amy knows ________ already and she hates her."
Emma: "Why does she hate Amy?"
Stef: "Take a guess."

There are many problems with the other night. Maybe he needed that. Even worse, maybe I needed that. I would actually be upset if anyone found out and got mad at me for it. And in technical terms, minus the Girl Code, it wasn't really wrong.

But for you other girls, I feel bad basically until you start on your rampage. It must be easier to be mad at some girl you don't even know than to be angry with the boy you should be trusting. So you justify bypassing him to be angry at me. You do what you need to do, you are weak. And let the record show that there's a good chance I wouldn't have liked any of you anways.

I don't drive. I won't drive till I'm 30. That's what my mom did, it's in my genes. I live in Oakland and I like public transportation and doing my makeup in the passenger seat and getting rides from my mom and my brother because then I can talk to them. Leave me alone. I have friends who never want me to drive because they love that weird complex of my personality. I think that's adorable. I also think that might be the only way I'd ever seem helpless to anyone and I like that.

I don't feel like spell checking this right now, even though in a few days I'll probably go back and do it. But my laziness has overcome my need to be right. If I do, I'll put an x and a date at the end of this sentence. x September 27th.

I got in an hour-long argument with my friend Josh about the difference between past and passed. It's been like 4 or 5 days at least and it's still gnawing at me that he thinks he's right when he isn't. This has absolutely nothing to do with Josh as a person.

Oh, and hey, ___________, I was a lush one night and I ended up telling a few of your friends that you told me you were masturbating over the internet even when you told me not to tell anyone. Sorry, but it was funny and you'll live and they didn't care anyways.

I already caught myself proofreading.

I hate the feeling of any kind of fluffy or textured anything under my fingernails. It makes me cringe. One of the most comforting and familiar "touches" I know is the feel of the doorknob to my room. And the weight of his shoulders pushing back against the weight of my palms when I had my arms wrapped around him. I don't think there is any greater proof of my love for him than that.

I love that Rachel italicized the same him in something she wrote about me once. There is so much good in her it makes me want to cry or believe in God. And religion has nothing to do with that.

I've probably gone to church more times than most Americans who actually do believe in God. And when I go, I sing my heart out. I've also read the Bible. I know tons of Catholic and Christian hymns. I've gone to Vacation Bible School and I've helped teach Vacation Bible School. I've gone to Youth Group and many other churches as well as synagouges and mosques. I DON'T BELIEVE IN GOD, THOUGH. I haven't since 5th grade. If you do believe that's awesome, I won't bother you about it. But while I have many reasons for my disbelief that I should not have to justify, I'd say that the people who believe in a religion and do not practice it or fully understand it have some explaining to do. Yet, I get asked constantly why I don't believe, when really I should be asking why you do.

I'm not going to talk about politics, but I'll tell you two things: Pro Choice and Anti Welfare. You tell me where I fall.

I guess what I'm trying to say is, I fucked your boyfriend. And Hail Satan.

I'm going to look up and print the schedule of the Northern Lights and write to Billy on the back of it.

I'm ready to talk about Thursday night now.

2006-09-19T02:52:59Z

Chelsea and I are laying in the hallway whining because we're sick. We look disgusting. We don't care.
Stef and Kelly call in rapid succession.
Joey's moving to Florida tomorrow, there needs to be a party, Stef's coming for us around 9:30, go to the Quad and wait.
Both of us have classes on Friday, but Stef said she'd take us home early the next day so we'd be back in time.
The plan was to get wasted, see Joey off, pass out, wake up at 9 am and go to school.
Upon arrival at Stef's, I wasted no time proceeding with "the plan."
I gave Joey liquor. Joey's not supposed to have liquor, so only a little bit. Maybe the equivalent of two shots.
Joey tells me about his life. I listen.
Rob yells at me about the Atmosphere show...ending in some strange pinky swear and a song about my hair.
Stef and Kelly pull me aside and try to convince me of something I don't want to do. Stef does this insane dance involving her boobs. She kisses me with tongue and Andrew gets mad because he doesn't even get tongue.
I sit on Stef's lap and we tell secrets for a while.
I get drunk and end up doing what Stef wants--getting half-seduced by a 16-year-old boy.
Somehow I change into my pajama shorts and I'm ready for bed.
Stef comes upstairs to inform me that not only am I not in her apartment, but I have to get in her car right now so that she can take me back to Oakland.
I'm confused and I start crying because I thought I did something to upset her.
Downstairs, Kelly is gone. Everyone is gone.
I can't find anything I own. Stef tells me not to worry about it.

Meanwhile, back in Oakland, Ransom is taking a midnight stroll through the Quad.
Stef's car pulls up right in front of him, and I stumble out. Still crying. I have less than half of the things I own.
Important things I have:
1. Enough clothing to cover my private areas
2. My Panther Card
3. My laptop
Important things I did not have:
1. My cell phone
2. My room key
3. My pants on which my room key is hanging
4. My wallet
5. My dignity
6. My composure
7. Everything else I brought with me to Bellevue
Important things I did not have and I knew I did not have:
1. My cell phone.... charger...maybe.
Unimportant things I knew I did not have and decided to get really upset about:
1. My pack of Orbit Sweet Mint

(“WHO WOULD STEAL MY GUM!?" Which was later discovered unharmed in what is now known as "The Giant Pile of Amy" in Stef's backseat. Anyways...)

"Raaaaaaaaanssooooom! Taaaaaaake heeeeeer!" -My Best Friend, Stefany Ann Slowik, Daughter of Joyce and Paul. Yep.

She throws me in the arms of an unsuspecting boy and I am now his problem.

All other events are pretty much a mystery to me until I wake up at 9 am...and I peel myself out of....not my bed.
We'll leave it at that.

10:30 means stairs. I whine like crazy until I get to the lobby. I think everything's going to be fine.
I get on my floor and I go to get my key...and I realize I am not wearing jeans, but my pajama shorts.
I bang on the door for 3 minutes screaming "SAAAAAARRRRRAAAAHHH!" before I accept that she's in class and my stupidity has caused me to be locked out of my own room.
I'm due at the library in twenty minutes, and I need clothes.
I panic and go to Floor 13 to see if Chelsea's in her room. She’s not.
14th floor. Alley is in her room, but she's sleeping so I didn't wake her up.
She sleeps cute.
I walk a couple doors right to see if Monica's in her room. She's not but her roommate is.
I borrow Monica's clothes anyways--a pair of jeans and a tie-dye t-shirt.
I make it to the library. The librarian accuses me of liking The Grateful Dead.

I get a hold of Stef on Ransom's phone after class. I'm standing in a pile of mulch.
She brings my stuff down for me, as well as a billion things for Smalls and offers to buy me Primanti's for lunch to make up for the inconvenience.
As it turns out, while I was passing out the night before, either Rich or Rob destroyed a large part of one of the apartment walls with holes and satanic writings. Naturally, everyone had to go.
Stef and Kelly yelled and cried, pillar candles were thrown, threats were made.
It was not a pretty sight from what I hear and I'm glad I missed it...sort of.

But The Giant Pile of Amy was returned and everything was right in the world.

That is, after I was 15 minutes late for my Mass Comm Recitation and nearly missed my presentation on Rhythm and Bullshit.

This would be Thursday, September 14, 2006, specifically.
AKA Joey's last day in Pittsburgh.
AKA the reason why I should never, ever consume alcohol.